


A Thousand Years

by IsThereARealLife



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Biphobia, Bisexual Arthur, Bisexual Character, Fluff, Gray-Asexual Character, Grey-asexual merlin, Homophobia, M/M, Reincarnation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-16
Updated: 2015-06-11
Packaged: 2018-03-01 15:02:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2777531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IsThereARealLife/pseuds/IsThereARealLife
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It has been centuries, and Merlin is still waiting. He tries not to think about the years that began it, or all those years between, but sometimes he can't help it. How much longer must he wait? How many more memories must he make and forget before he can make some to remember without hurting?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Died Every Day Waiting For You

_I have died every day_  
_Waiting for you_  
_Darlin' don't be afraid,_  
_I have loved you_  
_For a thousand years_  
  
_~ Christina Perri_

  


It was raining. Merlin loved the rain, the way it would beat down on the leaves above his little hut and slowly trickle through to patter on his roof. It offered perspective. The turmoil outside made his home seem like a calm haven, when so often it was the place of turmoil. Or more accurately, his mind was. All the thoughts and memories of over a thousand years built up and swirling around in his head. There were some, about a decade’s worth, that he actively tried to avoid thinking about. Of course, those few years were the ones that occupied him most often.

The end of those years marked a change. He felt little other than grief for quite some time. He stayed with Gwen for a while, helped her, not that she needed it. But having a friend was good, for both of them. It didn’t take him long after that to progress to guilt. If only he had listened to the dragon to start with, or not listened to him so much. That phase lasted a long time. Long enough for Merlin to leave Camelot. He made himself a shack in the woods and dwelled. It wasn’t good, wasn’t healthy. But he didn’t know what else to do now. Arthur was his destiny and he was gone. Merlin often thought about going back to the lake, throwing himself in. Maybe she would take him too, let him stay with Arthur until the time came again. But he never did. He couldn’t bring yourself to risk it. What if Arthur came back and he was gone. What if Merlin never came back? What if he forgot? He supposed that was the depression phase.

Then it got lonely. He was used to being around people, used to having jobs to do every hour of every day, used to having to save Arthur’s butt every other week. He visited Camelot only rarely. Memories of all his lost friends only hurt more. Then those few left passed too and Merlin was truly alone. He spent several years in the little nook he carved out for himself in the forest before he dared venture even to the nearest village for longer than it took to collect supplies. He wouldn’t make conversation, couldn’t get attached. By this point it was clear that Merlin, while he did age, did so at a much, much slower rate than a normal human. He had outlived all his old friends, he would outlive any new ones he made too.

But the loneliness started taking its toll. Sometimes he thought he saw someone near his house. Sometimes Arthur, and he would freeze until the red cape vanished with the wind, sometimes Gwen or Gaius. Gwaine, Lancelot, even his mother. He began using the knowledge he learned from Gaius to make remedies for various ailments for people, in exchange for his food and supplies. There he began talking again, properly talking, not muttering spells to himself in the safe confines of his cottage.

And so the loneliness passed. A quiet sort of calm took its place. Not quite contentment or peace, but There was one little girl who grew quite attached to Merlin, with blonde hair and a sweet face. As she grew, he came to realise it was Will, well, as you used to know him. She started to follow him around, so much that one time she accidentally caught him using a magic. He’d forgotten by now what he was doing, but she caught him. Of course she said nothing to anyone else. She loved when Merlin would make butterflies appear, and chased them through the trees for as long as she could before collapsing beside him and falling asleep. 

He couldn’t stay there much longer though. When people started to notice his lack of age, when the gossip started going around, he had to move on. He had few possessions. Those he needed, he packed up in a bag, the rest, like furniture, he left in his cabin. He suspected she maybe went back there sometimes. But of course there was no way to know for sure.

He travelled. For many years he wandered the roads and woods and highlands. Never usually staying long in any one place. He spent one year in a keep in the north where he found a woman who had been his mother before. A year because he couldn’t leave her to give birth and recover alone. The father had long since disappeared and she had no one else.

After many decades, Merlin returned to his old home in the woods. In the village most of the people he once knew were gone. Mary, as Will had been known, was growing very old, but she recognised him. She smiled knowingly, and her grandchildren asked him if he was the old sorcerer from the woods who used to make butterflies for their old nan. Of course Merlin laughed and shook his head. 

Mary faded quickly after that. Merlin sat by her bed and told her his stories and she told him hers. Her son told him after that she knew. She said her mother was waiting for her friend to come home, that she wouldn’t go without seeing him again. He had to be the warlock of her tales. After the funeral, her ashes were scattered in the woods. Apparently she liked to wander through them every week until she could no longer walk. 

He left soon after. 

He wandered for centuries, waiting, but Arthur never returned and an awful weariness settled in his bones. Gwen and Elyan were born siblings again, and fought together under the Lionheart in the Crusades. Morgana was born Elizabeth, daughter of King Henry and became the first and only Tudor queen. Lancelot was a ranking officer under Nelson against Napoleon, and then Percival, and Gwaine… He fought in the Great War on the Western Front. He was imprisoned, tortured while Percival listened. Gwaine didn’t make it home, and there was a part of Percival that didn’t either. Percival never married, never even had another partner. Merlin always knew they were close friends in their original lives, but in this incarnation it seemed they were that much more. When he heard what had happened, it broke his heart all over again. 

After that, Merlin retreated again. All those lifetimes built up, the new grief, it weighed him down and his bones ached for respite. He found his old cabin in the woods, well, what little was left of it and rebuilt it. Somehow many miles of forest around it had never been disturbed by much more than hikers. He didn’t stay in total isolation, but his state of living was reminiscent of those lonely years long ago. He had electricity, and he went in to the nearby town, which had grown up from Mary’s village, stayed up to date with the world. But he removed himself from it. He worried for a while that he would miss Arthur’s return if he hid himself away like that. But supposedly it was his destiny. Why would they make him wait for all these centuries only for it to slip by unnoticed? He figured that when the time came, there would be some kind of sign, some kind of metaphorical push out his door to put him back on the road to Arthur. 

At least, that’s what Merlin hoped would happen. But he couldn’t keep walking. He just had to stop. He stopped for almost a century before anything happened. It was raining.

Merlin woke to find his beard vanished, hair dark and aches gone. Soon then. But it could still be years, depending on how old Arthur was to be when the met. Perhaps he had another decade or two to age again.

The change brought many old memories rushing back, all those he tried so hard to forget. And in spite of loving the rain so much, the day took on a melancholy feel. It was calm, yes, but somehow the storm in his mind was stronger than that outside. For most of the day Merlin sat and thought, while the storm outside and in grew more wild, wind lashing at the panes and thunder cracking overhead, until a stranded hiker hammered on his door. 

Who on Earth would be out in this sort of weather? “Hello? Is anyone in there?” The person – a man – yells. Merlin goes to the door anyway, never one to turn away a person in need, no matter how crazy.

“Please, is there anyone home?” He stops as Merlin opens the door, fighting not to let it slam against the wall. Merlin stops too. He freezes. Stares. That face. He is standing on his doorstep, clothes drenched, hair dripping, red coat held over his head.

“Arthur?” The man in the doorway gives him a weird look.

“Uh… no, my name's Jimmy... Look, would you be able to let me in? My car’s miles away and…”

He finally snaps back to the present. “Yes. Yes, sorry. Come in.” He stands back to let the other man in. 

While Arthur – Jimmy – stands in the middle of the room looking utterly dishevelled, Merlin runs around finding towels and a change of clothes. While the other man goes to the bathroom to change, he also turns the heater up – too damp for a fire – and boils the kettle for tea.

Something hitches in Merlin’s throat when he emerges. They drink tea, water still occasionally dripping from Ar-Jimmy’s hair. And Merlin knows he should stop staring. He really does. But he can’t. It’s been so long, he’d almost forgotten. Oh, he thought he could remember but it was nothing to the real thing. After several minutes, Jimmy seems to notice.

“Uh, look mate, do I know you, or something…?”

Merlin’s lip twitches briefly. “You might say that…”

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Kat and [Ishita](http://www.akadefenders.tumblr.com) for beta-ing. You're awesome :)
> 
> The basis of this fic started out when I was talking to Ishita about Merthur reunions and rain and kinda spiralled out of control from there...
> 
> I'm also on [Tumblr](http://www.ismylifejustfantasy.tumblr.com)


	2. One Step Closer

_Every breath,_  
_Every hour has come to this_  
  
_One step closer_  
  
_~ Christina Perri_

  


He frowns. "Look, I’m sorry, I really don’t understand what you're talking about…”

Merlin shakes his head. Not now. It’s too much. “Don’t worry...” Jimmy stares and the silence quickly grows awkward. “Uh… so… what were you doing out in the woods in this weather?”

Jimmy’s lip twitches in a sort of sad, self-deprecating smile. “I lost track of time. My ah… my girlfriend took off. Ex-girlfriend, I suppose now.”

Merlin nods in understanding. “Did she… was there a reason or…?” Jimmy glances up at you. “I’m sorry, is this too forward? I’ve never been very good at tact…”

“No, no. It’s alright. I don’t normally tell anyone much of anything, really. But, and this might sound weird, I feel like I can trust you. Maybe it’s the crazy log cabin in the woods thing, I dunno. Not like there’s anyone you can tell…” Merlin huffs a laugh. “But she… well she thought she saw me checking out another guy. Not like she doesn’t give every half decent man she comes across the once over. Or twice. Or y’know, her number. And she got pissed. ‘Since when are you gay?’ She actually said that to me.” He shakes his head. “You’d think people would know better these days…”

“So… bi?”

“Yeah. You?” Why does this seem normal? Just casually discussing preferences. It’s not something Merlin ever thought would happen. But then, should he just smile and nod now. Bisexuality is more known these days but what about other things? What about…

“I… sort of. Um…”

“…Ace?”

Merlin’s eyes go wide. No one he ever talked to, even the most open-minded, had ever even thought of that as a valid option, had even considered its existence, let alone the word. He stutters over the next words. “Y-yes… Well, grey. How do you…?”

“It took a long time to figure out what I was,” Jimmy replied. “My father was very set in his ways. No straying from his version of normal. Nothing that could be even remotely unnatural in his eyes was allowed in our house. Never even got mentioned unless to yell at the TV when the marriage thing came up or something. 'It’s bad, the ‘unnatural’.' There’s nothing bloody well wrong with... Took me a lot of research, I found a lot of different words—” Suddenly he breaks off into a harsh-sounding cough. One that makes Merlin’s chest hurt in sympathy. He gets up and grabs another blanket, draping it around the other man’s shoulders.

A fire. He could start it with magic. It’s not like Arthur ever noticed the thousands of times he did it a millennia ago. Ever so briefly, he considers telling him the truth. Perhaps even just the magic Merlin possesses, nothing more. But he doesn’t. It’s too soon, he figures. The fire sparks with some help and they both relocate to the rug in front of it for extra warmth.

Sometime later Merlin warms up some soup on the stove and cuts up the loaf of bread he got in town the day before. The sun is setting and Jimmy starts to cough more violently and more often. When Merlin asks how long he was out there, the only response is a shrug and a mutter of ‘a few hours, maybe’. He just manages to catch his sigh of frustration. How do you get stuck in the woods in the rain for a few hours? He doesn’t press more, though, and just sets the two bowls of food down on the floor where they are sitting. He also passes a few tablets to Jimmy to try to ease his cough.

They sit mostly in silence after that, making idle comments every so often but mostly just soaking in the warmth to keep away the chill from outside. At one point, Jimmy realises how dark it is outside and suggests he leaves, but Merlin convinces him how unsafe it would be to try to find his way out in the dark. It’s also still raining and Jimmy only seems to be getting worse. Merlin urges him into the single bed and insists that ‘yes it’s okay, I can sleep on the couch. I slept on the floor for the first few months here before I got a proper bed.’ He still frowns but goes into the other room. The light goes off soon after and it’s only minutes later that Merlin hears soft snores coming from under the door. He only realises then that he still hasn’t told Jimmy his name.

 

He can’t sleep. Arthur, well the new Arthur, is sleeping in the next room. He’s back. He’s back and he’s here, right now. Merlin doesn’t have to wait decades as he imagined this morning. He lies on the couch with a blanket pulled up around his chin and the peaceful crackling of the fire and patter of rain and still sleep won’t take him. Instead, tears run freely down his face. Happy and scared, no, terrified. He failed last time. He couldn’t help Arthur as much as he needed. What if it happens again? What if he can’t do it this time? Will he be begged to hold Arthur’s broken body in his arms while the other man dies once again? Will he be forced to watch his life fade from his eyes again? Gods, please don’t make him go through that again. But would it be worse, not being there? Would it be worse to get there too late, or to just read about it in the paper? To not know for decades that he’d died in a car accident…

What does he do now? Jimmy will leave and he won’t see him again. He has to keep in touch, has to be able to help him. Merlin knows so little about this incarnation though, and how will he unite Albion in this day and age, a land that has faded into myth, barely remembered by any but scholars?

He is startled from his worrying by a harsh, painful-sounding cough. Instantly he’s transported back to a millennia ago, Arthur’s servant, caring for him when he was sick. In spite of the concern for his health and their future, he smiles. It’s just like old times, comfortably familiar even lifetimes later. Though he remembers still the irritation he felt back then, now it is a comfort. It is something he is able to do, that reminds him that this is happening. Not that he hasn’t had dreams about those old menial jobs before, it’s just that he know this is real. The dreams always had something wrong… 

Jimmy is restless. Still coughing, he frowns and rolls over, uncomfortable. Merlin approaches the bed and tries to shake him awake. He feels too warm. He swears. He must be getting a fever. Damn the clotpole for staying out in the rain too long. He shakes his shoulder again and finally blue eyes snap open and focus on Merlin. It hurts, seeing that familiar face staring back with confusion. With fear. 

“Hey, Arth-Jimmy. Jimmy, it’s Merlin. It’s okay,” he whispers soothingly.

Jimmy blinks and murmurs groggily, “Where am I? Who are you? What…”

“Do you remember the woods, the rain? You came to my house, my name’s Merlin. We had soup and tea, you got sick from being out in the weather…”

The other man sniffles and cough once again, shivering as he falls back on the pillows. “Merlin… no… no, it can’t… You’re just a dream, just a dream…Merlin…” 

What?

Beyond confused now, Merlin pushes that to the back of his mind. Sort that out in the morning when you’re both more than half awake. “Here, just take these. They’ll help you sleep better.” He concurs without fuss and soon drops off, still too warm but coughing less now. When Merlin returns to the couch he is asleep within moments, the events of the day finally catching up with him.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooooh whats Jimmy dreaming? What does he know??!?!?!
> 
> Once again all the thanks go to [Ishita](http://www.akadefenders.tumblr.com) for proof-reading it and encouraging me.
> 
> Comments and kudos are much appreciated :)
> 
> And also im on [tumblr](http://www.ismylifjustfantasy.tumblr.com)


	3. All Along I Believed I'd Find You

_All along I believed I would find you_  
_Time has brought your heart to me_  
_I have loved you_  
_For a thousand years_  
  
_~ Christina Perri_

  


Next morning, Merlin is eating toast with jam when Jimmy stumbles out, blankets pulled off the bed and wrapped tightly around himself. The rain stopped overnight but the chill remains in the air. “Making yourself at home, I see.”

Jimmy’s face is suddenly stricken. Perhaps he had been too presumptuous. It was quite a move to just take all the covers off a stranger’s bed. It’s then that he catches the smirk on the other man’s face. He smiles weakly back. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that…”

“No, it’s okay. I’m glad you feel comfortable here.” There is an awkward pause while Jimmy contemplates returning the blankets to the bed before Merlin asks if he would like some toast. He gratefully accepts. He feels like crap and doesn’t think he’d be able to stomach much more than that. 

It goes quiet when they are both eating again. Jimmy starts thinking. Was this hermit a stranger, though? He remembers seeing his face last night in the dark, hearing that name whispered, owned. He has heard it so many times in his dreams, from other people, from the man himself, even in his own voice. He never saw his face though. But it can’t be. How could he be dreaming about the hermit in the woods for years before they met? Almost twenty years since that first nightmare. He was drowning in a lake, someone, something was dragging him under. Someone was shouting at him from the shore. “Arthur!” Not his name but Jimmy knew they meant him. He yelled back. Yelled for Merlin to run, to leave him, to save himself. He didn’t know why that name, he didn’t understand any part of the dream. He was only five years old and promptly forgot all but the fear it left him with once his mother pulled him close and stroked his hair until he fell back asleep in her arms.

He had dreams of this Merlin person a few times growing up, and he always felt unsettled for most of the next day. Only recently did they start occurring with any regularity, at least once a month, and then each week, until it was almost nightly. He is constantly tired and on edge. How many times and ways could he die, or almost die only to be saved by the mysterious and elusive Merlin, or watch any number of the other men he seemed to know die. He wonders if maybe that’s one of the reasons Olivia left him. Apparently she’d woken up some nights to hear him moaning Merlin’s name. Which, not what was happening at all, but so very very awkward none the less. She never believed him about those dreams. Suddenly he gets worried that he said something last night too. Wouldn’t that be the cherry on top of this whole strange situation.

He notices Merlin eyeing him from across the table and realises he’s been chewing on the one bite of toast for the past whole minute. Shyly, he swallows and then says, “Um, last night…”

At the same moment, Merlin says, “I had a question about… Oh.” He gestures for Jimmy to continue.

“Uh, I didn’t say anything… weird last night, did I?”

Merlin’s lip twitches in a lopsided smile. “Well, actually, that’s what I wanted to ask about…” Oh god no. What did he say? His head drops down into his hands. This is gonna be bad. Is that why he made the crack at him earlier? Something he said??

“No, nothing too awful,” Merlin assures him, noticing his distress. “I woke you up because you needed some medication, and I told you my name – sorry for not saying earlier, by the way – and then you started… muttering, about how I couldn’t be real, that it was just a dream…” Ah. That is… not as bad as it could’ve been. But how do you explain it? Tell him the truth? Would he freak out? Somehow, Jimmy is sure he wouldn’t.

“You’re name is actually Merlin?” He nods so Jimmy grits his teeth and begins. “Ok… Um. I used to have these dreams… I still do. Long before I knew about the old legends. My name was Arthur and there was someone called Merlin. I never saw his face but he was always there. There were monsters and lakes and… and I died, or nearly did and he’d… save me. A lot. I’m sorry, this must sound so strange, I…” He stops when he sees how Merlin’s eyes have widened. “What?”

“I just don’t think that’s weird at all.”

“How is that not weird? I’ve thought it was weird since the first time when I was five years old.”

“Okay. Well. It is weird. But I have an explanation. Which will also sound very weird. A lot weirder than psychic dreams. But you’ve… you’ve got to believe me.” 

He nods. He’s happy to hear the theory, even if it is false. “Go ahead... Actually, no. Wait. Is this something to do with how you said ‘you could say that’ yesterday? Do I actually know you? I don’t remember you, surely I would’ve—”

“It is entirely to do with that. Your dreams, they—”

All of a sudden his cough, which had subsided over breakfast, returns with a vengeance, cutting off anything the other man was going to say.

Immediately Merlin jumps up from his chair and snags some tablets that were sitting on the counter top, as well as a bottle of cough syrup. Jimmy groaned. That stuff was nasty. “No, no, I’m okay. I don’t need—” he wheezed.

“Take the medicine, Jimmy.” For a moment he isfrozen in shock. That was the most authoritative Merlin had been since he arrived. He wasn’t going to argue with that.

Several minutes later, after rinsing away the thick feeling of cough syrup with toast and tea, he asks Merlin to continue.

“Are you sure you’re alright? I can put the fire back on or…”

“I’m fine, honestly Merlin. Please just tell me what the hell my dreams mean.”

“Okay. Okay.” He takes a deep breathe. “Do you believe in reincarnation?”

Jimmy frowns. Why does that matter? “Um… yeah, I guess. My mum was Hindu, so she did. I grew up with it. What does that have to do with anything?”

“Okay. Cool. That should make this easier maybe… Your dreams are real.”

“What?” Well of course the dreams were real. He had them. He didn’t imagine having these dreams…

“They happened. Sort of. You – Arthur – only died once. But generally, yes. And I was—am that Merlin. And you _were_ Arthur.”

Jimmy’s eyes narrow and he frowns deeper. “That’s—” He was about to say ‘bullshit’. Why is he even listening to the crazy hermit guy? But the earnest expression on Merlin’s face stopped his tongue. “How is that possible? How do you even know?”

“You have come back to… You’ve come back. You’re dreams are, I think, latent, warped memories. And I know they happened because I was there. I haven’t just figured it out and remembered, I… I never died. The person you see now is the person who lived thousands of years ago. My name is Merlin because I am that Merlin, not because my parents were mythology buffs… Arthur died over a thousand years ago, but I couldn’t… Are you okay, Jimmy?”

Jimmy huffs a slightly manic laugh. “Okay? I’m… You’re saying that I used to be King Arthur. _The_ King Arthur, and you are _the_ Merlin, the magician—” 

“Technically, I’m a warlock…”

“Fine! A warlock! And you never died. Ever. For over a thousand years. And I’ve been dreaming of a past life for the last twenty years. I think I’m pretty far from okay. How do I know this is even real? It’s like this is straight out of the legends. Why am I back? Is it to fulfil my destiny or something?”

“Sorry. I suppose that was a silly question. And yes, it is straight out of the legend, Jimmy, because this is part of it. I don’t know how half the information found its way into them but they did and a lot of it is real. Though you didn’t know I was a warlock until… until very late. I didn’t want to have to tell you this part yet, but the destiny part _is_ true. I don’t know how or when but it was told you would return to fulfil it. There is no way I can prove to you that any of this is real. You just have to… trust me, I suppose.”

He gets up and begins pacing. This is ridiculous. How can any of this be possible? It’s legend, myth. Stories. Not real. Then he has an idea. Trying to look angrier than his four blankets and bright red nose actually allow, he growls, “No, there is a way. You say you’re a warlock, prove it. Do something.”

Merlin nods and looks at the fireplace. He stretches out a hand and mutters a foreign-sounding word. The fire instantly lights back up but that isn’t what has caught Jimmy’s attention. It was his eyes. “Whoa. Your eyes. They…”

“What are you talking about?”

“Your eyes flashed when you did the spell. They changed colour.” He stares back blankly. “Don’t tell me in the thousand years you’ve lived you never knew your eyes changed colour when you did that.”

“I… I never knew.” He raises a hand to one eye, as though touching it would bring some sort of comprehension.

“So your eyes do that, and you didn’t know, and I still didn’t realise you were a warlock?”

Merlin smiles. “You were a clotpole a lot of the time. Didn’t pay much attention…”

Jimmy thinks he might hear an unsaid ‘to me’ on the end of that sentence, but if any of his dreams resembled that past reality, Merlin was sorely mistaken. 

There is a lull in discussion while they clean up the kitchen, moving around each other as naturally as though they’d done this for years. Which, Jimmy supposed, they probably had. Finally he says, “Okay. So I guess the warlock thing is true.” Merlin huffs. “I think I just need some time to get my head around everything…”

“Of course. It was a lot of information. Strange information. Take all the time you need.”

“Yeah, thanks. Look, I ah… I think I should go. I was meant to meet my father this morning for something or other. I’m already going to be late. I shouldn’t antagonise him any more than I have already. Thank you for everything. Really. I just need to change into my clothes and I can be out of your hair.”

“I dried yours but they’re covered in mud still. Keep those ones.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah,” Merlin assures him. “It gives you an excuse to come back…”

Jimmy smiles, the corner of his mouth lifting in amusement. “Don’t think I’ll need an excuse but thanks.” 

And if Jimmy notices the blush tinting Merlin’s cheeks, he doesn’t mention it.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> always many thanks to [Ishita](http://www.akadefenders.tumblr.com) for checking it and helping with some of the phrasing and stuff
> 
> i hope y'all liked it :)
> 
> im on [tumblr](http://www.ismylifejustfantasy.tumblr.com)


	4. Time Stands Still

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my gosh. this is so so late i am sorry. i was late starting in the first place but then i wanted a bit to be translated, but my friend who would is away with crap internet so she hasnt gotten to it yet. i was waiting and really i shoulda sent it to her earlier but i didnt realise it would take this long. entirely my fault oops. but its been so long i just wanna post it. ill change the bit later.
> 
> this one's for kat who has kept waiting patiently for me to finally put this here :)
> 
> hope you like it :)
> 
>  
> 
> _edit: now updated to include the translation. a million thanks to[ishita](http://www.akadefenders.tumblr.com) thank you bro_

_Time stands still_  
_Beauty in all he is_  
_I will be brave_  
  
_~Christina Perri_

  


It is several weeks before Merlin sees Jimmy again. In the meantime, he researches what could possibly be meant by uniting the lands of Albion in this day and age. Nothing of great importance catches his attention, so he supposes it hasn’t begun yet. The first step for success must be to regain the new Arthur’s trust so he can help him complete his destiny. Merlin can only hope that the right path will become clear in time.

He doesn’t want to leave his home in case Jimmy returns, and he has enough supplies to last a while. But eventually, he hasn’t come back and Merlin is running low on most food he doesn’t grow himself. He makes a quick trip into town for milk and the like, all the while scanning the crowds for the familiar face, but no luck. He doesn’t even know where he lives, if it is anywhere nearby. Maybe he and his girlfriend had been on holiday. But he keeps a lookout none the less. Fate would not have thrown them back together only to part them again so soon. He hopes…

It is on his third trip to the markets after their first meeting that he sees him again. Someone speaking in rapid Hindi draws his attention, and he sees the dark hair he’s been searching for for weeks. That’s when Merlin notices the phone clutched in Jimmy’s hand. He makes his way over slowly, content to wait. It’s chilly for November, so he pulls his red scarf tighter and shoves his hands in his pockets.

“नहीं वो … मैं नहीं … क्या आप मेरी बात सुनेंगे? हम दोनों वापस एक साथ नहीं हो सकते , क्या आप रुकोगे? नंही, मैने…” At that moment Jimmy made eye contact with Merlin and he paused, startled but face softening from the scowl it previously sported. “हा पितजी। देखो, मुझे… मुझे जाना है। ठीक है, नमस्ते।” He hangs up and smile widely at Merlin. “Um. Hi…”

Merlin grins back. “Hi.” There is an awkward silence that just keeps stretching out longer and longer until someone rams into Jimmy from behind, making him stumble forward into Merlin’s personal space. He quickly steps back again and looks around but the person seems to have disappeared. But it had an effect and Merlin starts talking again. “So, how have you been?”

“Oh, I’ve been… good. I’ve been alright. Look, I’m sorry I haven’t been back out to see you yet. My father dragged me to London for a few weeks… I only got home yesterday.”

“Oh, okay.” He nods. When Jimmy offers no more information, he scans the stalls for his favourite baker. He finds it on the other side of the market. He needs bread, but he has to talk to Jimmy more. Ask him for tea? “So, I think we need to talk some more, but here isn’t really the best place. Do you need anything more? I just need some bread and…” He trails off. How could he ask that? This is the man that used to be Arthur. He would most likely laugh at the suggestion of a… Would it be a…? No. Of course not. Although he did flirt with him before leaving that day. And then Merlin didn’t see or hear from him for over three weeks. He grits his teeth. He just has to say it. Be brave. “We could maybe go get some tea or something – get out of this weather?”

“Uh, yeah, sure. That’d be good,” he accepts. “The one on the corner, in the bookshop, makes good scones…”

Merlin grins and nods. He said yes.

 

“He was trying to get you back together? He actually made you go meet with her and have a meal? That’s… ugh.”

Jimmy shakes his head, frowning in disgust. “It was awful. She kept asking if I had gotten over the gay yet. So I asked if she’d gotten over her fondness for infidelity yet. My father did not take kindly to that accusation either.”

“Wait, did he set you two up in the first place?”

“Yeah, some business partner’s daughter.” Merlin nods slowly. “That’s what we were arguing about on the phone. He wants me to go back to London again, he thinks he figured out the problem or something. You know, I wouldn’t be surprised if he tried to hire a male escort to prove I’m not into that. What he doesn’t know is that I had a boyfriend for three years in college so…” Jimmy cracks a smirk while Merlin chuckles.

Right then, their tea and scones are delivered and the mood turns somber once more. “Sorry, man. I don’t know why I’m telling you all this. I only met you once…”

“Well, it was strange circumstances, and you could say we have met before…” Merlin looks down quickly when his drink suddenly becomes particularly interesting. “I’m glad you can trust me with this,” he mumbles.

Jimmy’s lip twitches up in an almost smile. “I’m just glad to have someone who listens. I haven’t… had that many friends. My one true friend is still in Afghanistan so he can’t right now. And you're different. I don’t know why, and all logic says I shouldn’t, but I do trust you, Merlin. And I thank you for that.”

All of a sudden, Merlin has lost all his words. Arthur said these things occasionally, in times of great peril, but never in passing conversation, never like that. Never without a joke to lighten the mood. His eyes start to sting.

Jimmy seems to sense his distress and asks, “Sorry, was that… are you alright?”

He looks up finally and sees worried blue eyes looking back, his brow furrowed. The concern obvious in his face hits Merlin like a wave, slowly, until it crashes all around him. Flashes of the past blur by his mind’s eye, the same look in the same eyes. He has dark hair and skin now, but the eyes didn’t change. He is still just as gorgeous as he was, deep down still the same person as before, and he _cares_. He cares about Merlin, he always did. All the feelings he spent the last millennia trying to quash down, to forget, rush back. All the love… But it’s not like he can say any of that, he’d just scare Jimmy off. He can’t help the soft smile that pulls at his lips though. “Yes, I’m… thank you,” he murmurs, wiping away the dampness collecting at the corners of his eyes.

The other man shrugs and contented silence falls while they continue sipping their warm drinks. Jimmy finishes first and starts fiddling with the leather bracelet wrapped around his wrist. He opens and then closes his mouth a few times before Merlin asks, “Is something bothering you, Jimmy?”

“Ahh…” He leans forward over the table and clasps his hands together. “So, I don’t…I’m not saying I believe this destiny thing yet, but if it is true, what, um…” He pauses and sighs, words eluding him.

“What would it entail?” Merlin finishes as a question. Jimmy nods but his eyes has become firmly fixed on his own hands. “Well, the prophecy says you will unite the land of Albion. But in this time, I have no idea what that could mean. Kilgarrah never said…”

“Kilgarrah? Who’s Kilgarrah?”

“He was a… dragon.” Merlin’s voice goes very small on the last word.

“Oh. Of course. Dragons.” His face scrunches up in sarcastic self-derision. “Why didn’t I think of that?”

Merlin huffs an almost-laugh, scanning the room until his gaze picks out a self in the history section stacked with old texts. He darts over, leaving Jimmy spluttering behind him. It only takes a minute to locate several books on Arthurian legends, and another two to find a section referencing the dragon. How they knew enough about Kilgarrah to actually write about him still baffles Merlin to this day, but for once he is glad of it. He carries the book back to Jimmy at a much more sedate pace and sets in down open in front of the other man. He taps the drawing, saying, “He was a pain in my ass mostly, and he wreaked havoc once or twice, but he did tell me things and help occasionally. Very occasionally.”

“Dragons. He was a… Dragons are actually real…” Much to Merlin’s surprise and delight, Jimmy’s tone at new information has changed from that of extreme skepticism to dumbfounded acceptance. “This is all so insane but… I believe you. I do.”

Merlin’s head shoots up, eyes wide. He can feel his mouth stretching in a wide, awed grin. This is more than he could’ve hoped for. So much more, in such a short period of time. He then has the very sudden, very shocking urge to lean across the table and kiss the dazed expression off Jimmy’s face. He turns to the window to hide his face, for fear of any emotions showing and betraying the turmoil within. He loved Arthur very dearly, he always did. But this… this was entirely new. It scared him more than a little. But the snow, frozen rain. That could distract him. It barely registers that this is the first snow of the season, only that it is something calming for him to focus on. Snow is almost as nice as rain, but for the lack of sound it makes on the roof as it falls. Sitting there in the café, Merlin feels warm, extra warm. And safe. In a little booth with a dear friend and a warm drink, watching fresh snow flurry in the wind, swirl past the windows. He finally feels a sense of haven, of peace. It almost lasts forever.

Of course it can’t though. The sky is darkening. Whether from the lateness of the day or the weather or both, he can’t tell, but either way he has to leave soon if he wants to get home. He sighs deeply and turns back to finish his drink, regret playing at his lips. It would be hellish to walk through the storm too. He forgot his waterproof coat…

Jimmy pays for the food while Merlin puts the book back. He runs his hand gently down the spine and skims all the other titles once again. He will have to come back and look at them in more detail. He can barely believe he never knew these were here before… Then he goes and waits by the door for Jimmy.

He appears silently behind Merlin and startles him with a low tut. “You okay to walk home in this weather?”

He nods. “Yeah, it’ll be fine.” Then he opens the door. It almost gets snatched out of his hand by the wind and snow blows in the doorway. He darts out the door quickly with Jimmy close behind to shut the it as soon as possible. He shivers and pulls his coat around him tighter again.

Jimmy shakes his head and tuts again. “Here, take my coat, it’s waterproof.”

“But you—”

“My house is only a few streets over, not too far. I’ll be fine.”

Merlin eyes him skeptically until Jimmy rolls his eyes and pulls off the red coat. He really likes the colour red… He throws it around Merlin’s shoulders before he can protest or escape it.

They linger under the eaves a little longer, standing close, maybe too close. For warmth… “So ah…” Jimmy begins. “I could come by your hut tomorrow maybe, drop off your clothes…”

“Yeah, that sounds—“

“Or maybe… um… you could come by my house tomorrow…?” he mumbles.

“Um…”

“We could watch the game or… or… you could tell me more about… all the myth stuff… or…”

Merlin looks down at his shoes to hide the blush he can feel burning his cheeks even in the bitter cold. “Yeah. That sounds… good. I look forward to it.” He can’t keep his eyes down any longer or he would look just as conspicuous as the blush would’ve made him. “Thank you, for the coffee and… yeah. I’ll-I’ll see you tomorrow, Jimmy.” He smiles.

Just as Merlin turns to walk away, Jimmy calls, “Oh, it’s number 23, over on Dale Road.”

“Right, thank you.” Of course. An address would be helpful…

He watches the other man turn the other way down the road, shoulders hunched against the cold and hands shoved deep into his jeans pockets. Maybe Merlin imagines it… of course he does, it is a ridiculous notion, but he thinks he sees a spring in Jimmy’s step. But the cold must be affecting his brain. Why would someone in no more than a college jersey and jeans be so happy walking in this weather? Surely not because of him.

He waits until he disappears down the next street before finally leaving. It’s unlikely, but there is a tiny chance that maybe Jimmy is just as nervous and confused about all this as Merlin himself. He can’t help the little smile that pulls at his lips unbidden.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> translation:  
> "No, that’s… I’m not… Would you listen?! We aren’t getting back together, would you stop… No, I’ve…"  
> "Yes father. Look, I’ve… I’ve got to go. Okay bye."
> 
> check me out on [tumblr](http://www.ismylifejustfantasy.tumblr.com)
> 
> comments and kudos are very welcome and much appreciated :)


	5. How to Be Brave?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have no excuse for the lateness of this. uni is hectic and other things took priority i guess. double length though? 
> 
> enjoy! :)

_How to be brave_  
_When I’m afraid to fall_  
_But watching you stand alone_  
_All of my doubt_  
_Suddenly goes away somehow_

~Christina Perri

Oh God. Oh God, he… He asked him to his house. Like, on a… is this a date now? Did he invite Merlin on a date to his house to watch football? The moment Jimmy turns the corner onto his own street, definitely out of sight of the other man, his face falls to one of horror. What is he doing? He can’t even cook, it’s just microwave meals or take-out without Olivia or his father’s staff around. He’s useless. Pathetic.

Take-out. They could get take-out. Pizza. Thai… Does he even like take-out? Shit shit shit.

It’s okay. Don’t freak out yet. He’ll think of something. He’ll… He could just ask when Merlin gets there tomorrow. Yeah, yeah that’s good.

Just as he reaches the safety of his door’s overhang, it starts to snow in earnest and a sharp gust of wind cuts straight through his jumper and he shivers. He fumbles for his keys, fingers stiff from the cold. After dropping them twice and missing the keyhole for shaking about a dozen times, he finally gets the door unlocked and stumbles inside.

He’s glad they left when they did, it would be nearly impossible to get around out there now. Poor Merlin. He has a long way to go… He must have some sort of magic he can use to help him though… Jimmy makes a note to ask him about it later.

He needs something warm to drink now, even though they just had coffee, to defrost his hands. In the freezer he finds a small container of soup. Close enough. But he’ll need to make more soon, since that is the last one.

While it microwaves, he looks through the vegetables still in the fridge and then pulls out his recipe cards. He always sucked at cooking. Could barely cut up a chicken without destroying something. But his mother persisted. He still can’t cook a proper meal, but one or two things stuck. Like the soups he has written down here. No chicken, of course. Because he still can’t cut one up right. But still edible.

Just as he’s flicking them over, another card falls out. The one with one of his mum’s favourite recipes. One of his favourite things to eat as a child. There’s chicken in it though… But maybe he could… he could at least try? If it all goes wrong, then they can order in?

Just then, the microwave screeches. Jimmy jumps and goes about setting himself up in front of the TV for the afternoon. Nothing else to do with the weather being so awful. The first channel that comes up is a sports reporting channel. They’re talking about tomorrow’s match and suddenly everything comes crashing down around him.

He only met the guy a few weeks ago. He’s only seen him twice and Jimmy is already inviting him over to watch a football game and planning to make him his favourite childhood food. Jimmy’s head drops into his hands. What is he getting himself into?

Whatever it is, Jimmy is terrified. This is… this is crazy. It’s too much. What is he doing? He… he doesn’t want to think about it.

He changes the channel to some show about zombies and tries to forget everything else.

 

There is a sharp tapping on the front door. Oh no. No no no. He’s early. He’s way too early. It’s only… shit. Okay. He is perfectly on time… Never late, never early. Jimmy regrets staying up to watch the Lord of the Rings marathon that was on TV last night. He always loved those movies though. The epicness, the stories, the battles. They feel… right. They feel like home. It was a comfort when he needed it in the past and it did the same job last night too.

Unfortunately, that also meant he got very little sleep, and didn’t wake to his alarm. Cooking also took—or rather is taking, since he hasn’t finished yet—much longer than he thought. Which really, he ought to have suspected, since, well he knows he sucks at this and should’ve left more time. Things like that are ever only revealed in hindsight.

He blusters around for a moment and then just gives up and brushes his hands off as he makes a dash for the door. “I’m coming, just a moment. Just…”

He opens the front door and there is Merlin. And all the weird feelings and fear and doubt suddenly crawl their way back into the forefront of his thoughts. 

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

Merlin smiles shyly and maybe, just maybe he’s as nervous about this as Jimmy is. He doesn’t know Jimmy, he knew Arthur. Sure, they’ll be similar, but there are bound to be differences. He has to relearn an old friend, not just make a new one. It must be difficult. Awkward maybe, having those old memories and this new person who is Arthur but isn’t… 

Jimmy realises they’re still standing in the doorway, letting the carefully cultivated warmth out and heavy flurries of snow in. Bloody hell, he walked back to town in this weather? That man is committed. Jimmy decides then that he must have some sort of magic for this. There’s no way he’d be able to get through all that snow and still look as chirpy as he does. Admittedly, there is a pink glow spreading over his cheeks from the bitter chill and his hands are jammed deep in the pockets of a heavy peacoat.

“Right. Um. Come in.” He holds the door open to let Merlin walk by. “I’m… I’m glad you could make it… With the weather and all…”

“Yeah it’s… not nice… There’s this spell though…” Ha! He knew it. From there, Merlin keeps talking while he hangs up his coat, and the one he borrowed from Jimmy yesterday, and they go to the kitchen. Jimmy finishes preparing lunch while Merlin talks more about their history, his destiny. He doesn’t mention much of his personal life at the time. Jimmy figures it’s a sore point. They’re all dead now, after all.

Even skirting those details though, there’s an easy companionship between them. Jimmy asks questions about their time, and also about everything Merlin has seen since then. He’s been alive for over a thousand years, he must know things none of the history books do.

And he does. He tells Jimmy tales about a lot of things. Funny ones, scary ones, sad ones. That Jimmy isn’t the first person he met again since it started. When he gets to those he says were the most recent, he excuses himself to the bathroom quickly. Jimmy’s eyes follow him, concerned.

He puts the lid on the pot, everything now prepared, and cleans up quickly. Merlin returns not long after the utensils he used have been submerged in hot water to be thought about at a later point in time. He sits on the couch and Jimmy joins him quietly.

“I’m sorry if this is presumptuous,” he says. “I’m sorry about your friends.” Then he stretches his arm across Merlin’s shoulders and pulls him close. He rubs his hand up and down his arm, trying to be comforting, not sure if it’s working, but Merlin leans into it, so he thinks it’s okay.

“Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it…”

“You know… you’re different, to Arthur…” Merlin murmurs. Jimmy really doesn’t know where Merlin’s going with this, so he waits. “Not in a bad way, and not that I didn’t think you would be, but you are… You’re more… open. More comfortable with showing emotion… Arthur, especially in the beginning, would never have done something like this.” He waits again. He doesn’t really know how to feel about it all. Pleased, he supposes, that Merlin isn’t disappointed after a millennia waiting. That Merlin doesn’t think he’s a terrible person or anything.

Jimmy tries to lighten the mood. “I hope that’s a good thing.” He chuckles.

He can feel Merlin smile where his face is pressed into Jimmy’s shirt sleeve. “Well, I was a servant. It would’ve been weird if you… if Arthur did show any kind of… affection. But this is nice. To be able to…”

One word in that stood out. “Affection? Were…”

“No. No, we were good friends. Very good friends, but there was a system. A hierarchy, and it didn’t even like that, so, no. Nothing else. You were the king, after all.”

Jimmy nods slowly. He is slowly starting to build a picture of this old world. Of how they fit together in it.

They both settle contentedly for a while longer. Outwardly content, anyway. Jimmy is confused. So very confused. Small things are falling into place and he doesn’t know what to make of them. Doesn’t know what it means to him now.

He is making Merlin that curry. He never even made it once for Olivia in all the years they were together. Yet here he is, hugging this guy he just met in the woods, curry cooking on the stove, talking about a past life a thousand years ago. And apparently there was maybe a thing between them. Things couldn’t get much weirder. 

Why is he even doing any of it? There wasn’t an instant connection, really. Well. He had been upset and cold and tired. And he did flirt a little as he left that first time. What is he even feeling? It’s so strange. It’s been all of a few weeks, three meetings. How is he feeling anything at all yet? Residue from that past life, maybe?

It’s too weird. He can’t be doing this. He just broke up with his girlfriend of three years. He should be torn up. But when he thinks about it, all he feels is relief that he’s out of that situation.

And he did practically ask the guy on a date yesterday. This right here. This could be called a date. 

No. No, it’s…

The timer on the oven starts blaring obnoxiously.

Merlin shifts so Jimmy can get up and shut off the awful noise. “Hey, the game should be starting soon, if you want to turn on the tele…”

Merlin nods and goes in search of the remote while Jimmy turns off the stove and sets it aside, then microwaves the rice.

In the meantime, someone on the TV starts rattling off statistics and Merlin turns around with the biggest, dorkiest grin on his face. It only strikes Jimmy then that Merlin has probably barely ever used a TV before, if at all. He can’t help but smile back.

Merlin sits back down and watches the screen with intent while he waits. When Jimmy finally finishes and brings it over, Merlin chuckles. When he looks questioningly, Merlin elaborates. “This is quite the turn around. It’s used to be me bringing the food and all that… You… Arthur tried to cook a chicken one time, it was so mangled and burnt, he ended up going up to the castle kitchens to get something instead.”

Jimmy snorts in good humour. Of course, that sounds exactly like him, but he isn’t going to tell Merlin that on their first date… what? Whoa. Okay, moving on.

Changing the subject, he asks what Merlin knows about football. At which point, Merlin blushes and looks away. It’s kind of cute, really.

“I’m sorry to say I really don’t know anything at all about it… I guess you’ll have to educate me.” He smiles and Jimmy get a warm feeling in his chest that is more than a bit terrifying. 

 

Just over two hours later, Jimmy is slumped back on the couch with his arms crossed, while Merlin chortles like a derp. He chose to support the opposition for the sake of argument, and beginner’s luck payed off. Or did he… No, he couldn’t have used magic to do that, could he? Jimmy decides he doesn’t want to know.

All of a sudden, Merlin’s face loses its false-innocent winning gloat and exclaims, “Oh no! It’s late, the sun’ll set soon. I have to get home.”

“Bollocks. Yeah, yeah you’d better…” Don’t go. He doesn’t want Merlin to leave yet. They were having fun and…

He pushes himself up abruptly, desperate to stop thinking about that. He collects the empty beer bottles and the bowl of popcorn they made during half time. Merlin eyes him looking perplexed by Jimmy’s behaviour. Well he isn’t going to explain himself. No.

He doesn’t even know how to explain his behaviour to himself.

Merlin helps him pack away the things on the bench before they both migrate to the front hall.

“Thank you, Jimmy. I… I had a good time.” He shuffles awkwardly.

Just as awkwardly, he replies, “Good, that’s good.”

The silence draws out while Merlin laces his boots. Jimmy opens the door for him once he stands up, and nods once with a soft smile. They’re so close now, he could lean down and press his lips against the other man’s. God, he wants to. 

But no. He shouldn’t.

Merlin casts a brief glance out the door, seeming reluctant to leave the warm house for the dim icy hell outside. “…I guess I’ll see you around then? I can drop by and lend you some of those books I was talking about,” he suggests.

It’s like he’s trying to make sure they will definitely have contact in the future. That fuzzy feeling is back, but Jimmy can’t show it. Can’t be that vulnerable. So instead, he winks and defaults to a flirty response to hide whatever it is that’s trying to crawl out of his chest. “You better.” He even throws on a smirk for good measure.

“Bye Jimmy.”

“See you, Merlin.”

Merlin steps out and immediately hunches his shoulders against the cold. Jimmy closes the door behind him and slumps against the wall. He’s been doing this a lot recently. He hasn’t felt this… flustered since he first met Olivia and it scares him. Things with her ended badly. He doesn’t want… if anything at all were to happen with Merlin, he doesn’t want it to end like that.

He’s afraid of hurting again.

But he doesn’t want to lose a good thing. He doesn’t want to be almost strangers passing each other in the street and pretending these last few, very strange weeks never happened.

Merlin is almost a block away now, a solitary dark figure against the bright white snowdrifts lit up in the dimming late afternoon sun.

This is it. Take a risk. Be brave. Let it become something more than awkwardly lending books to each other and muddling along until some destiny is fulfilled.

“Merlin wait!”

He stops and turns back. Jimmy can’t make out his face from there but if he had to guess, he’d say it wore a perplexed expression. Now what? He can just… just ask if he wants to stay the night, maybe… It’s already pretty dark, and by the time he gets home it’ll be much worse, and much colder.

He grabs the nearest coat – his red one – and darts out into the snow to catch up to Merlin.

When he gets there, his breath is clouding thickly, heavy. A sharp pain almost catches from the freeing air he’s gasping into his lungs.

He has the speech planned out. How best to persuade the warlock to come back. But seeing the cold-red tip of his nose, the way his grey beanie is pulled down low over his ears, something entirely different comes out.

“I know you said you were ace… grey-ace… But you did say kinda bi, so I’m really hoping that meant bi-rom because this next part could be really awkward if I got that wrong. Uh—”

“Jimmy? What… what is it?” Merlin murmurs with an almost imperceptible tremor to his voice.

“Can… can I… kiss you? Please?”

Merlin stares. His mouth drops open slightly and he starts shivering from the cold. And he stares. God what has Jimmy done? He ruined everything. He should go. Just go. Leave and deal with the awkward accidental meetings in the future but avoid this, this awkwardness right now.

Jimmy backs up, clumsily in the thick snow, mumbling, “Sorry. Sorry, I’ll just…”

Merlin staggers forward to catch at Jimmy’s arm. “Don’t—” He breaks off. Jimmy stops and looks at the hand tightly gripping his forearm.

Merlin clears his throat. “Let me just… I’ve, um, I’ve been here, I mean, alive, for a long, long time. And there has only been two people in my life that I’ve ever… Freya, and… and you were the other. And I lost you both over a thousand years ago.” He stops to take a deep breath. “You have to be sure. I can’t do casual and I can’t do expiry dates. So… so if this is just… rebound, or-or you don’t actually mean it… I can’t. Emotionally, I cannot do it.”

He’s still shaking, but Jimmy doesn’t think it’s from the cold anymore. All he wants is to gather the other man to his chest and whisper that it’ll be ok, but he isn’t sure if that would be welcome. Instead, he takes both Merlin’s hands in his own, in a gesture that could be passed off as trying to warm them up if the comfort is rejected.

“I don’t know what it is,” he confesses. “But,” he continues urgently before Merlin can pull away, “I know it’s not rebound. And I don’t do casual either. You knew me—knew Arthur—and if he was anything like me, you’ll know I wouldn’t do any of this lightly.” He drops Merlin’s hands to clutch at his shoulders, desperate for the other man to understand. “You know me, and if my dreams weren’t just my imagination, if that actually happened, then I know you somewhat too. I don’t know what it is, but I want you, Merlin. I want you in my life.”

Merlin nods jerkily. “I do know you…” he whispers almost to himself. Slowly, tentatively, he brings his hands up to frame Jimmy’s face, heat suddenly soaking into his ears. He hadn’t even realised how cold his head was, that he’d forgotten to put a beanie or scarf or anything on. 

And then Merlin is leaning in. Jimmy’s breathe stutters. He is not prepared. He asked, he wants, but shit he isn’t ready, he… Merlin’s lips are on his, soft and warm, a gentle press. Almost hesitant, like a question.

Jimmy’s arms were hanging uselessly at his side, but he brings them up now, one fitting into the groove of Merlin’s waist, one to the back of his head, just resting on the woollen beanie, answering the question. He presses back a little harder, swallowing Merlin’s gasps as the kiss becomes more heated. Both of them are totally oblivious to the fact that they’re standing in the middle of a street, a public place. They stay wrapped in each other’s arms, lips moving together, for an indeterminate amount of time. 

Merlin pulls away first, but doesn’t go far. He buries his face in the crook of Jimmy’s neck, sighing with something like relief. It is at this point when Jimmy looks at their surroundings again. He glares right back at some old bag who stopped to peer over her glasses at them in distaste. He doesn’t break eye contact until she sniffs and mutters something under her breath, too quiet to be heard, and hobbles off.

When she’s gone, Jimmy drops his face to Merlin’s hair. Well, his beanie. “Stay.”

Merlin pulls back. “What?”

“Well…” Jimmy shrugs with one shoulder. “It’s pretty late, it’ll be dark soon… and colder. You could… if you want to, that is… Stay tonight?” Good. Very eloquent. Well done Jimmy, well done. “I’ll make up the couch for myself. You gave me your bed once, least I can do is… is return the favour…”

Merlin huffs quietly and looks away, a tiny smile playing at his lips. “Yeah, that’d be nice. Thank you, Jimmy.”

 

Merlin tentatively takes his hand when they walk back to Jimmy’s little house, and then step past the snow that got blown through the door. They settle back on the couch and Jimmy starts the last Lord of the Rings movie playing when Merlin agrees, since he fell asleep half way through around 2am the night before.

They eat left over curry for dinner and Jimmy steals soft glances at Merlin when he thinks the other man isn’t paying attention. They channel surf for a while, until a program on the history channel comes on. Merlin chuckles and Jimmy leaves the show on. Merlin spends the hour pointing out the inaccuracies, and the surprising accuracies. Jimmy doubles over with laughter when Merlin does an impression of Henry VIII. They drift closer on the small couch, until Jimmy just wraps his arm around Merlin’s shoulders.

Sometime during one of the King James’ reigns, soft snores fill the room. Merlin is twisted in what must be a terribly uncomfortable position, asleep against Jimmy’s chest. He’s about to shake him awake and say that it’s way too early yet, except that oh wait, it’s quarter past 10 and he has to stifle a yawn when he even thinks about getting up.

“Alright…” he mutters under his breath as he manoeuvres around Merlin until he can get his arms under his legs and hoist him into his arms. “Let’s go.”

He carries him into the bedroom, kicking an as yet still full packing box accidentally in the semi-darkness. He grunts in pain and Merlin mumbles something incoherent against his shirt. Jimmy deposits him on the bed and riffles though a drawer for some clothes he can borrow. The sheets are clean and the room is fairly tidy apart from the boxes and unshelved books, thank goodness.

He passes Merlin the clothes and backs away, saying, “I’ll just let you…” Merlin nods.

He grabs his own pyjamas and a spare blanket and pillow and leaves to set up the couch and get changed himself.

When he goes back to make sure the heater is on, Merlin has already crawled under the blankets, just the dark tufts of hair and two eyes poking out.

“Good night Merlin.”

“Good night Jimmy.”

There’s an awkward silence where neither of them really knows what to do. Then Jimmy figures, screw it, and goes over to the bed and stoops down so he can press a tender kiss to Merlin’s temple. “Sleep well.” Merlin’s eyes are already fluttering closed as he drifts back to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and kudos never fail to make my week. fave line or general opinions or anything :)
> 
> eternal thanks to [ishita](http://www.akadefenders.tumblr.com) for betaing and staying up late with me :)
> 
> also you can come say hi on my tumblr: [ismylifejustfantasy](http://www.ismylifejustfantasy.tumblr.com/)


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